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how? just how?
that’s never a good move:
He told me I didn’t have a right to feel as I did. He was dictating to me how I should or shouldn’t be acting. As well as this he was guilt tripping me to an absolute extreme and attempting to control my feelings.
Don’t do that. Don’t EVER do that.
So yes, it’s officially over now, and after this week I pray I will not see or speak with him again.
well yes, yes it is.
And as each hour passes, I feel more and more certain that I made the right decision in ending things. I feel so much happier now I’m single once more and am not having to force myself to feel things which aren’t there.
I wish my best to him and we part on good terms, as friends in fact, at least hopefully… but I do hope he will find a way of ‘getting over me’ quickly. Not to flatter myself but the boy loves me to bits, not that I see how that could be considering… but that’s a different story… anyway, the point is that I really just hope that he will learn to accept how I feel and quit with the constant over emotional blabbering late at night over text messages and guilt tripping me into thinking that we will live happily ever after together someday and that our destiny is sought out like a Tarantino film and just.. sorry, I’m rambling, and I’m really trying not to be offensive toward him because that would be like adding insult to injury/rubbing salt in the wounds etc etc.
But yes. I am single once more, and I could not be happier :-)
…rachel’s spare parts: Why must all good things come to an end?
I’m releasing now that I don’t think I can ever truly find happiness in this reality. At least not happiness that is shared in a relationship anyway.
I thought that everything between me and my boyfriend was going swimmingly and initially I didn’t see how it would ever come to an end…
but now…I think people are really misled by the media about what love is. I I think if you feel that a certain spark like that can last for years and years you’ll never find a truly good relationship: the harsh reality of it is that love takes time, it’s not just a feeling but how people communicate and live together. ‘true love’, for want of a better term, takes time to develop. A spark can be felt between any two people and not really mean anything, but years worth of in jokes and memories are worth so much more. What jennifer aniston romcoms teach people is that you are ‘destined’ to only be with one person, a ‘true love’ which is obviously utter tripe, because there are so many millions of other possible partners in the world… That’s just my opinion when I read this.
but my point is that you know within yourself whether you feel comfortable around someone, and in this case… I really don’t…
I agree with what you say about being misled by media and the difference between the portrayal of ‘true love’ and the reality of it… but realistically as a 16 year old who has only known this person for a few months, I just feel uneasy about it all, the initial attraction was there but the more we get to know each other the further apart we become…
I’m releasing now that I don’t think I can ever truly find happiness in this reality. At least not happiness that is shared in a relationship anyway.
I thought that everything between me and my boyfriend was going swimmingly and initially I didn’t see how it would ever come to an end…
but now that the initial spark has vanished, I can see why I was so reluctant to ever speak with him.
Things have been moving at an increasingly rapid rate between us, and despite his best efforts, he completely unintentionally misinterprets everything I try to tell him and the idea of ‘giving me space’.
I could be given all the space in the world yet still, I don’t think that my underlying feelings would ever change.
Sure I seem unreasonable and completely barbaric but no one can help it if they don’t feel that chemistry or that spark.. I don’t feel comfortable around him anymore, he makes me feel… awkward and sad which can never be good. I haven’t felt that low since before the summer when everything in the world was so completely fucked up. And if he’d known me from back then he would understand that it’s just not right for me to be jumping into something so serious right now. Every close relationship I have right now is delicately balanced and brinking on collapse, the last thing I need is another person to juggle into the mix.
I’d rather be on my own. Be lonely, live lonely and die lonely.
I’d rather spend my time watching Downton Abbey and Sherlock on my own and playing the guitar and loosing myself in Radiohead and going out with my girls to dance and have a good time than be with some… stranger.
HARSH WORDS! I couldn’t agree more. But that’s how I feel and that’s how it is.
I’m sorry my love, I really am. But you just don’t know me well enough to know that I irrationally push the best people away because I can’t stand the love they have to give me.
I mean, these last few days of college haven’t been difficult in the slightest, quite the opposite in fact. And minus this ridiculous History assignment everything in general at college seems to be going swimmingly.
But……… Fake Plastic Love? I don’t know. That’s what I shall refer to it as though. I mean, it’s going great, brilliantly in fact but I keep thinking about having to say goodbye in a years time and I can’t bear it. Sometimes I do just think “Rachel, why the fuck are you putting yourself through this? You’re self inflicting heart break!” But what you have to judge is whether it is worth it… it is better to have loved than to have never loved at all etc
And I mean even today, it had all built up beautifully and everything was golden until I made an utter prat out of myself and even though I’ve promised that I’m over it, I still feel a fool. I can’t help it. It’s not even the paranoia of what might be said, it’s just how low I feel because of I don’t know, before? Yeah. I’m happy to be with someone who is so understanding and patient with my craziness. And after those few moments where he quite willingly took care of me whilst I was “off on one” I realised just how much I’m falling for him. I mean seriously, anyone who can put up with my insanity deserves a fucking medal.
was pretty fucking mortal.
I mean seriously, best two nights ever. Well… after the first night I experienced some post-gig depression, it was actually really quite horrible, and I just wanted to go home and be in my own bed. But then that feeling was soon eradicated the night after when I danced my tosh of for the entire set with a bunch of loud mouthed middle aged Brummies, it was brilliant! I had waited to see Otherside performed for 8 years and finally I was in the midst of the crowd, looking on to my darling Anthony wailing his heart out and Flea thrusting like a loon, just wow.
So that was that. And somehow I managed to get into college for 9am the morning after. Bom bom bom.
I met Taras for coffee after college and then he came back to mine and cooked me his world famous Chili and then we were errr, somewhat interrupted by people coming over. And then we all got drunk (some more than others may I hasten to add) and then when it was down to a few of us I suddenly realised just how drunk I was and just ahhhwhhhh, I honestly think I may be…….. falling in love? I don’t know! But that’s what it feels like, for sure!
Anyway, today I’m off to Birmingham for the weekend to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers and I won’t be back until the small hours of Monday morning, so until then world…….
I’m happy, really happy, in fact no scratch that - ridiculously happy, and considering how polar opposite I’ve been throughout 2011, I am fucking overjoyed :D
except, I don’t have no dollar.
Today was kind of great actually. I finished my first draft of my English Literature essay which is good and I also finished my painting in Art. I also experienced one of thee most delicious things I’ve ever had: a Gingerbread late.
Then I got home, finished watching this weeks Come Dine With Me and spent the rest of the evening with Taras. Which was actually not short of perfection. We watched Up and I cried and he kept laughing at me because apparently I’m “just so cute” and I wouldn’t let him leave and yeah, it was just awesome. And on Friday he’s cooking dinner for me, Jess and Dad. It was his suggestion to cook for all of us, and I think it’s perhaps the sweetest thing in the world. Oh and then hopefully they’ll be people over for some drinksies and then Saturday and Sunday I’m away to Red Hot Chili Peppers land! Goodbye Hooray!
For now though, despite it only being 22:09, I’m going to have to go to bed. I am absolutely exhausted, which is quite surprising considering how little I’ve done today. Anywho, au revoir xoxo
I mean, extremely looking forward to it actually…
For starters I’m only in college for a few hours, and for the most part of those few hours I’m continuing with my essay which is superb news because it’s independent, it’s easy and most of all, I guess I kind of enjoy it.
And then I have a lesson of Art, which flies by very quickly thank goodness. And then before you know it I’m in town for a bit to look at the shops and then I’m back in college for ten pointless minutes and then I’m home…
I’ll have a nap and then I’ll be rudely awoken by Taras who will come a’knockin’ at about 4. From then we’ll cuddle in bed and I think we’re watching Up this time round (which makes a refreshing change from Reservoir Dogs let me tell you) and well, I haven’t seen him since Saturday which admittedly isn’t that long ago at all but it still feels like forever ago.
I think we’re getting to that point though where the relationship takes a turn…. if you know what I mean…. and I’m both excited but then again I’m also really quite nervous. But hey ho, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, IF we get to it.
But now it’s time for a good old read and a good old sleep. Good night xoxo
you are also never alone with a book.
Since the summer, I’ve really got back into reading. What with how I was feeling beforehand I literally couldn’t read, and that was one of the most upsetting things for me. Because if you’re going to be devoid of social instances and school and god knows what else for so many months, the least you want is a book to keep you company. But I couldn’t even have that, at least that’s what my mind was telling me at the time anyway.
But on with the present and I’ve really got back into reading. Since college I’ve read The Great Gatsby numerous times, The Catcher in the Rye, Scar Tissue, Norwegian Wood, The Bell Jar and One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s nest. And I’m just about to start Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde because it’s quite short which means I can move onto We Need To Talk About Kevin in no time (as soon as I go round to buying it that is…)
I suppose you can never really be bored so long as you have books and so long as you’re both physically and mentally able to read. Hmm.
I haven’t been able to listen to Metronomy since me and shit face were together, not because the whole thing upsets me but because it fills me with an intense feeling of regret. I never regret anything in life because I personally find it disrupting, it’s far easier to get on with things and say well heck at least you gave it a go but in this one instance… Yeah. Definitely. Shit face is the only thing in my life that I truly regret.
But here I am, listening to Metronomy once more because I realise there’s better things to be done than still be moaning over the no.1 cunt in the history of cunts. Besides, times have changed. I have a far better young man in my life now, he is truly incredible and represents everything I’ve ever really wanted in a relationship.
First lesson of college was great, I wrote a couple of paragraphs for my Literature essay. I completely independently came up with my question and more specifically the idea, most people are comparing the idea of Love & Desire or The American Dream between The Great Gatsby and Breakfast At Tiffany’s but I’ve chosen to write about how the theme of Fatalism is presented in The Great Gatsby and The Catcher In The Rye. It was really good to start writing the essay, I do feel I need to flesh it out a bit though. And listening to Grizzly Bear whilst doing it just made the first lesson of the day that bit easier :P
Citizenship should just be re-branded as Citizenshit. I mean seriously, it is perhaps the most awful lesson in the world. Our teacher was once again encouraging us to think about stereotypes and spent next to time trying to challenge the conformists and actually provoke change. Bullshit, seriously.
Art History is always quite relaxing. Today we started our groups presentation and it wasn’t as nerve-racking as I expected it to be. But yeah, that was that as they say. A nice short, easy lesson.
Oh and then there was Art… my progress review wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I am allegedly currently working at a B but I’m on track for an A, which considering my lack of technique I find astounding! But yes, I will not argue with a good grade.
And then I came home and now I’m listening to The Dead Weather and everything’s gravy baby.
i’ve started this personal blog because all i ever seem to want to blog about these days is what’s going on in the real world of rachel and things between me and others and what not and i’m aware that not all of my followers are going to want to see those kind of posts scattered all over their news feeds
bittersweet-distractors was primarily made to post about all kinds of stuff which interested me which basically meant lots of photos, thom yorke, radiohead, some more thom, audio posts, radiohead news, some luther and peep show and lots of sherlock holmes and very rarely was there something about me. so i thought it easier just to set this old thing up…